Sometimes I get so caught up in work and schoolwork that I don’t realize how many things are stressing me out until I lay down at night and just think. Lately I’ve been looking forward to my workouts because it’s the only time I have to myself, truly to myself, without my thoughts of the crumbling world around me.
I thought things were getting better. I thought I had finally been able to say that I was happy. Then the ball was dropped on me at lunch while worrying about how much time I had left before my next shift. My mom peeped out those few words, trying not to tear up, “I have breast cancer”. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know what emotion to show. I was angry, devastated, and worried. After everything my mom has been through, why did she deserve this? All I could do was rest my head on her shoulder and hold back any emotion I was feeling. She followed me home to talk to me about it, but all I was worried about was having enough time to jump in the shower and get ready for work. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to even hear about it. At first she wasn’t so worried. They told her she wouldn’t need chemo and that she would only have to have a double mastectomy. After more tests, they found that it was an aggressive cancer and that she was going to need chemo. That broke my heart. I tried not to cry. I tried to be strong. I gave her a hug before going downstairs and letting out all of my tears and emotions. I never once thought that cancer would hit this hard in my family. I never once thought that my mother, of all people, would have to deal with breast cancer. Luckily it’s only a stage 2, but everything about it makes me worry. I don’t really get the chance to think about it until I have to make sure that I’m off work to go home for her surgery. It’s like feeling a knife dig into your heart a little each time you talk about it. I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I keep it bottled up inside and let it eat away at me. Sooner or later I’m going to explode. I’m going to let every last bit of every single emotion I’ve felt lately get the best of me. It hurts to know that my mother has to deal with cancer while my dad is out enjoying his life, not giving a care in the world. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to focus on. Everything seems like a blur. I just want time to slow down and to have my family back. None of this is fair.