Overdue rant

Sometimes I get so caught up in work and schoolwork that I don’t realize how many things are stressing me out until I lay down at night and just think. Lately I’ve been looking forward to my workouts because it’s the only time I have to myself, truly to myself, without my thoughts of the crumbling world around me. 

I thought things were getting better. I thought I had finally been able to say that I was happy. Then the ball was dropped on me at lunch while worrying about how much time I had left before my next shift. My mom peeped out those few words, trying not to tear up, “I have breast cancer”. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know what emotion to show. I was angry, devastated, and worried. After everything my mom has been through, why did she deserve this? All I could do was rest my head on her shoulder and hold back any emotion I was feeling. She followed me home to talk to me about it, but all I was worried about was having enough time to jump in the shower and get ready for work. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to even hear about it. At first she wasn’t so worried. They told her she wouldn’t need chemo and that she would only have to have a double mastectomy. After more tests, they found that it was an aggressive cancer and that she was going to need chemo. That broke my heart. I tried not to cry. I tried to be strong. I gave her a hug before going downstairs and letting out all of my tears and emotions. I never once thought that cancer would hit this hard in my family. I never once thought that my mother, of all people, would have to deal with breast cancer. Luckily it’s only a stage 2, but everything about it makes me worry. I don’t really get the chance to think about it until I have to make sure that I’m off work to go home for her surgery. It’s like feeling a knife dig into your heart a little each time you talk about it. I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I keep it bottled up inside and let it eat away at me. Sooner or later I’m going to explode. I’m going to let every last bit of every single emotion I’ve felt lately get the best of me. It hurts to know that my mother has to deal with cancer while my dad is out enjoying his life, not giving a care in the world. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to focus on. Everything seems like a blur. I just want time to slow down and to have my family back. None of this is fair.

iglovequotes:

Daily dose of love quotes here

iglovequotes:

Daily dose of love quotes here

(via iglovequotes)

relievingatlas:

If you don’t laugh during sex at least once, you’re having sex with the wrong person. 

(via bring-me-the-escape)

heartisbrokenquotes:

I love this. It makes me feel like things will get better, and honestly maybe this was meant to be.

heartisbrokenquotes:

I love this. It makes me feel like things will get better, and honestly maybe this was meant to be.

Hey AT,

I’ve thought a lot about you today for some reason. I can’t get you out of my mind. I never wear my “Live For A.T.” shirt unless it’s just one of those kinds of days. I wish you were here to see how everyone is doing, to get everyone together and have another bonfire. New Year’s Eve was awesome, but I still expected you to be there. I expected you to be standing at the beer pong table ready to greet me with a “hey bitch” and I’d give you shit right back. I don’t think there will be a time when I don’t expect to see you when I go back home. I know you’d be doing amazing things by now, probably jacked as hell hahaha. God damn I miss you kid. I carry your picture everywhere and always wear my bracelets. I get really nervous when I don’t wear them, as if something bad is going to happen to me. It’s as if by wearing them, I feel you’re somehow protecting me. I decided I’m going to do a personal training certification this summer at KU! You’d be proud. Of course you would probably try to say you know more than me, when let’s be honest, you wouldn’t have passed A&P without me. There’s so much I want to tell you. I need someone to shit talk with because honestly, no one knows how to shit talk with me quite like you. I’d do anything to have another conversation with you. I miss you like hell kid, and that’s never going to change. Keep giving them hell up there, and keep protecting us down here. 

Love ya DLG

positivelifetips:

Today get out of your comfort zone and transform your life into what you want it to be!

positivelifetips:

Today get out of your comfort zone and transform your life into what you want it to be!